OK to be gay
He was 23 and just deciding to tell people he was gay when Craig Maxwell-Keys was surprised to be offered a professional referee contract.
This was not, he thought, the moment to reveal his sexuality.
“I’d been going to Twickenham for a number of meetings with the professional referees. As far as I knew this was just another,” he says. “I was walking round the West Car Park with Chris White, the National Referee Academy Manager, when Spreaders (Tony Spreadbury) tapped me on the shoulder and said ‘Here’s a contract, do you want it?’
“Did I? Having my hobby become my job? I’d have always regretted it if I didn’t take that chance. But this was a new opportunity, a new workplace. I had enough new things in my life so I thought it was not the moment to come out.”
It took another two years until, after he had just refereed at the World Rugby U20 Championship in Manchester, Craig summoned the courage to send a WhatsApp message to his Twickenham colleagues and his friends at Lichfield rugby club.
“I changed it so many times, kept it hidden at the bottom of notes on my phone and it ended up being three or four paragraphs of rambling script, when it could have been a handful of words.”
Craig then flew to a holiday in Greece, turning off his phone.
“After a few drinks on the first day of the holiday I turned my phone on and the reaction was really positive, responses saying if you want to talk I’m here, or that’s fine. I don’t know what I had worried about. I knew these people, I should have known it was always going to get a positive response.”
Tony Spreadbury, the RFU’s Head of Professional Game Match Officials, put Craig in touch with legendary Welsh referee Nigel Owens who came out as gay in 2007.
“I had a very good, very casual conversation with Nigel in Nando’s. He paid because he wanted the Nando’s points! He was so open, so honest that it allowed me to be honest,” says Craig.
He had spoken to his family before the Manchester U20s tournament.
“When you are wrestling with it, you only see negatives and you’re most worried about telling those closest to you,” he explains. “They were absolutely fine though and I realised I could have told them much sooner.”
He’s “starting to be described as one of the old, experienced ones now” seven years into professional refereeing, one highlight being “I got to referee the Premiership Final last year, which was a hell of an occasion.
“I want to take the opportunities as they come, not hold back, see where the journey takes me,” he says.
He hasn’t held back either when asked to talk about being gay in rugby, or to be on a Q&A panel.
“The first time I was on a public platform it was terrifying. Here I was as a gay man, petrified of saying the wrong thing and offending someone. How do people who want to be allies manage if I’m scared of upsetting someone? It was like reffing live on TV for the first time. It gets easier though and now I enjoy being part of a panel. Having spent so many years not being honest it’s liberating.
“I’m very lucky. The strength of the group of professional referees is fantastic and we get on really well. It’s not at all like some environments where if someone new comes in they’re seen as a threat, as competition. When a new ref comes in everyone pitches in to help them. There’s a lot of experience in the group and we are close because we spend so much time together in intense situations.
“Spreaders has said I’m a different bloke since coming out. Maybe it’s that, maybe I’m more mature, but coming out is a key life moment. There’s no longer any need for secrets, to remember what lies you told to who. You can have honest conversations and just be yourself. He’s always been 100% supportive, he’s so positive and full of energy and always has time for a chat, asks how you are and makes sure you are really OK.”
Rugby and the Lichfield club have always been part of Craig’s life. His brother Paul, or Taz as “he’s just crazy like a Tasmanian Devil”, plays for their First XV.
“He’s three years younger and always says he’s a better player than me and I give him that,” says Craig. “I’m not on Twitter so he’s appointed himself my Twitter PA and takes great delight in telling me about tweets critiquing my performance.”
Injured at 15, Craig went on a refereeing course and has loved being in the middle ever since.
“In those days it was half a day, with 20 multi-choice questions at the end and you were a ref! Nowadays you get proper training and when you cover your first game you are really prepared. My first was an U12s Staffordshire County festival at Burton rugby club. I was asked by the team coaches to referee the final. That’s never happened again, although sometimes they’ll ask me not to! I was 15 and was given a bottle of whisky for taking charge of the final. I sold it to my dad and discovered later at well below the market price!”
Craig is very aware that not everyone has his positive experience of coming out.
“Being on a Q&A panel when Quins had their first LGBT game, it was clear from the data that there’s still too much homophobic language used in the team environment. There are also players at the top of the game endorsing homophobic views that shouldn’t be endorsing them. However, with the vision of the people in charge of the game and the projects that now exist, it can only get better. There are people driving that change, which is reassuring,” he says.
Now Craig is looking forward to life settling down after the pandemic with a normal rugby calendar. And he’s settled down in his personal life too, he and David, his partner of three years, moved in together during lockdown. They even got a puppy six months ago.
“David loves gardening but our dog Monty isn’t really on board with that. He’s a Springer and he loves digging the plants up,” says Craig.
Not rolling away, Monty! Seems the man with the whistle needs to exert the same discipline that he does on the rugby pitch!
